


hold you close and feel your breath on me

by smackiemackie



Category: Captain America (Movies)
Genre: Asexual Character, Asexuality, Emotional Hurt/Comfort, M/M, Mildly Dubious Consent, Misunderstandings, Sam-Centric
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2014-08-11
Updated: 2014-08-11
Packaged: 2018-02-12 17:23:14
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,907
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/2118381
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/smackiemackie/pseuds/smackiemackie
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Kissing Steve, Sam has learned, is top notch.</p>
            </blockquote>





	hold you close and feel your breath on me

**Author's Note:**

> Self edited (and also written at four in the morning) so feel free to let me know about any mistakes you find. This is a one shot, but I'm toying with the idea of developing it further.
> 
> As for the dubious consent, an asexual character has sex that he feels pretty uncomfortable about. He is not forced in any way, but if that might be something that upsets you, please don't read this!

Kissing Steve, Sam has learned, is top notch. He could wax poetic about Steve’s lips, the feel of Steve’s arms around him, but Sam prefers to simply bask in the moment. They're on his couch, some movie he can't remember playing in the background, and Steve's hands are holding him close as they kiss. Steve always starts slowly, almost shyly, with only an arm lightly draped over Sam's shoulders. Steve is a bit of a cuddle-whore, it turns out, and he can't bear to sit next to Sam for very long without snuggling right up to him. Sam loves it; he soaks in the human contact and warmth. He doesn't need it—has gone years without it—but he enjoys it all the same. 

And then, inevitably, Steve will turn to him and look at Sam from underneath his eyelashes and politely ask if he can kiss him. Sam hadn't even thought about refusing the first time, even though he knew from experience that kissing only led to other, more unwanted things. Steve was just so earnest and unassuming, and Sam found himself curious. Maybe kissing Steve would be different.  

And, somehow, it is. He still doesn’t feel whatever it is that he knows he’s supposed to feel, but kissing Steve leaves him feeling safe and content. Steve never pushes for more than Sam’s comfortable with, and afterwards, as he gently pulls away he looks at Sam with almost palpable awe. That’s Sam’s favorite part. 

Tonight is different. Sam notices it the second Steve starts kissing him, and his stomach begins to twist. He forces himself to focus, not allowing the panic to take over. _You’re fine, Steve isn't going to push you, it's going to be okay_ —except it seems like today it isn't. Steve's tongue is pressing into his mouth and it's not entirely awful but he wishes they could go back to the slow, sweet kisses from before. 

Steve tightens his hands on Sam, moving one down to stroke Sam's back. Sam has an involuntary full body shiver, which seems to do something to Steve because he breaks the kiss with a groan. 

"God, Sam," he breathes, and then he's back, pressing kisses down Sam's jawline to his neck. He's sucking and biting and that is just—not okay. Sam allows himself a moment to close his eyes and flip out before pulling himself together. There's a part of him that still hates himself, as much as he's tried to get rid of it. A part of him that wishes that he could just snap out of it and kiss his boyfriend like a normal guy. He wants to stop, run away, and maybe never come back—but he can't risk losing Steve. 

Sam's thought about it a lot, and he knows that Steve wouldn't mind that he’s asexual. But that doesn't mean that Steve would be willing to date a guy who would never be able to have sex with him. And now that Sam has experienced dating Steve, he doesn't want to give it up. To be honest, he’s not entirely sure if he could if he wanted to. So if that means that he has to make some sacrifices, well, sacrifices are normal in a healthy relationship, right? 

He can't stop things now, but he figures he can redirect them without rousing any suspicion. He pulls back from Steve's embrace, crawling over to straddle his lap. Steve's pupils darken at that, and Sam starts to think that maybe this wasn't the best idea. He leans up, discovering that kissing Steve’s neck isn’t so bad. He likes the little sounds Steve makes, likes feeling his muscles shift underneath him. But all too soon he has another problem—he can feel Steve getting hard _. It's okay_ , he reminds himself, _you’re in control and you are going to be okay._  

If he doesn’t do something, Steve will. Sam pulls back, looking into Steve's eyes with a little smile. "Let me blow you?" He asks, and Steve's resulting noise is the most adorable thing he's ever heard. If he focuses on that, on how much he absolutely adores Steve, he’ll get through this. 

He’s confident that he can do this, and do it well. The only other time he's given a blowjob was in a similar situation, but he feels a lot more comfortable now. He trusts Steve, and he wants nothing more than to make him happy. 

Halfway into it, he remembers that Steve is a considerate boyfriend. There is no way Sam is getting out of this night without an orgasm. Choosing the lesser of two evils, he shoves his hand into his pants, trying to force his attention on Steve and ignore what he's doing. Steve doesn't ignore it, and Sam can tell he's getting close. "I wanted to—" he gasps, and Sam knows he made the right choice. 

Sam finishes a few moments before Steve, and it takes everything he has to not bolt until Steve is done. He wipes the spit off of his face, zips up their pants, and slowly stands up. He feels sticky and hoarse and he really needs to be alone right now. Steve reaches out, and Sam knows that if he goes into his arms he won't be leaving until the next morning. He really can't handle this, and as much as it makes him hate himself, he finds himself making some crappy excuse and darting out the door. The last thing he sees is Steve's hurt expression. 

Sam makes it to the metro before he realizes he's left his phone at Steve's. He can't find the energy to care, and at least now he won't have to deal with Steve's worried texts. He's getting funny looks on the train, but he knows that he didn't stain his pants. It's not until he gets home that he sees the hickeys. There are three that he can see, splotching up his neck and slipping below the collar of his shirt. That's almost enough to make him break down, but he really needs a shower. He finds himself slipping into military mode, trying to get from the shower to bed as quickly and orderly as possible. Once he's clean and in bed, his head begin to clear. 

He’d promised himself that he wouldn't freak out in front of Steve, because the guy has enough on his plate without Sam adding to it. Steve is probably beating himself up over tonight, and that thought brings a wave of guilt crashing through Sam. He's never going to fall sleep at this point, so he takes a few Benadryl and lets it work its magic. 

He feels better in the morning, sitting down with a cup of coffee to figure out where he goes from here. The therapist in him is blunt and rational, and slowly Sam works up the nerve to face Steve again. There is no way that this is going to be anything other than uncomfortable, but Sam knows he brought it upon himself. If he had been upfront from the beginning, last night would never have happened. 

He goes next door and asks his neighbor if he can borrow her phone. She's chasing her half naked twin toddler boys around the house, so she doesn't pay much attention to Sam's request, just throwing the phone in his general direction. He makes a quick mental note to offer to babysit sometime soon as he dials his own number. Hopefully it will be close enough to Steve for him to hear it. 

"Sam Wilson's phone, friend speaking," Steve answers after a few rings, and Sam's heart clenches with how sweet Steve is. He really hates that he's going to have to mess this up. 

"Hey man, it's me. I guess I left my phone at your place? I thought maybe I could stop by and pick it up, and then we could talk." He gives himself bonus points for not stuttering. 

"Oh, Sam, right, um." Sam can practically hear the blush in Steve's voice. "Of course, just head on over." 

Sam gives his neighbor back her phone and wishes her luck with the boys, who are now fully naked. He definitely needs to babysit, and maybe buy her dinner at some point. She looks more worn out than he does, and that’s saying something. The metro ride over to Steve's place gives him an opportunity to plan out the conversation, but it doesn't do anything to calm his nerves. _You’ve faced worse than this and come out on top_ , he repeats in his head as he knocks on Steve's door. 

It opens immediately, and Sam can tell that Steve is just as torn up about this as he is. "I made coffee." Steve says, already handing Sam his phone. Sam slips it into his pocket and follows Steve into the breakfast room, gratefully accepting the proffered mug. 

And now they're sitting across from each other and Sam has completely forgotten how he planned to begin. Steve breaks the silence. 

"About last night— I'm sorry. We agreed to take it slowly, and I should have respected that. I pushed you, and—" 

Sam can't let him continue, especially seeing the look of guilt in Steve's eyes. "No, Steve, stop. You've got it all wrong, okay?" 

Steve looks like he wants to interject, so Sam beats him to the punch. He takes a deep breath, and then barrels on. "I haven't been as honest with you as I should have been, and it's not your fault if you were misled. I'm asexual." He has to get that out as soon as possible. If he doesn't say it right away he's going to bumble around the point for ages, and that will just make things worse. He can see Steve's confused look, how his hand twitches to add that to his list of things to Google. 

"I've known since I was a teenager. Basically, I don't feel sexual attraction. At all. I don't enjoy sex, and to be honest most of the time it just makes me uncomfortable. I haven't been abused and there's nothing wrong with me," he adds, because he really does not want to have _that_ conversation right now. "I know that this might be upsetting, and I'm sorry I didn't tell you upfront. But. I still want to be with you. If you’ll have me." He rubs the back of his neck, looking up at Steve. "You gonna say anything, man?" 

Steve has tears in his eyes, and Sam feels like throwing up. He's completely fucked this up. 

"I'm so sorry. I didn't know. I shouldn't have—" and Sam is up and across the table in seconds, pulling Steve into his arms. 

"Baby, no, I'm fine. You didn't do anything wrong. I promise." He rubs his back, continuing to murmur reassurances into Steve's ear. He starts to calm down, and Sam sees his aborted gesture. 

Sam leans over to press a gentle kiss to Steve's forehead. "I like kissing. And cuddling, and making you feel good. It's just the other stuff that I'm not too fond of."

They still have a lot to talk about, but Sam knows that they have all the time in the world. That night, they watch another movie. This time their kissing is soft and gentle and Sam feels perfect. _Maybe, just maybe_ , he lets himself think, _this will work out after all._


End file.
